Today marks 4 weeks since I was discharged from 7 and a half months inpatient.
It has not been the easiest 4 weeks but I am still here and still trying to continue my recovery. There have been ups and downs and while I am not particularly feeling too good at the moment, I know it hasn’t been a disaster and I have in some ways surprised myself with how I have managed.
So, what has gone well? ( I sometimes fail to acknowledge the positives so this may be hard!)
- I have really tried to follow my menu plan
- I have managed to get through some of the most difficult days
- I haven’t acted on thoughts of harming myself
- I have managed to eat out twice – once at my friend’s wedding and once at a cafe for lunch
- I am looking forward to starting volunteering at a school in a couple of weeks
- I have attended my medical appointments and I am using their support the best I can
Now, for the no-so-good parts. I have realised that the ED has definitely been influencing some of my behaviours and decisions recently. I think the ED ways are just so natural and normal to me that it is easy to ignore them but I know that I need to be more vigilant. Again, things haven’t been terrible but it’s the ‘little’ things that are actually the cause of much bigger problems in the future so probably best I try to address them now. And admitting them to myself today is the first step, isn’t it?
It has been things like not managing proper desserts (I should be having 3 per week), struggling with the newly added snack, my weight falling slightly below my agreed range and weighing myself. I haven’t been doing these deliberately, I am annoyed at myself for slipping and I wish I could have avoided it. I don’t even know when they started or why. I know I need to stop.
What I think I am finding hard now that I am home is that my 100% recovery-focus has gone. In hospital I had people around me to encourage me and remind me to stay focused etc. but now at home I am having to try and keep my fighting spirit alive on my own and that is hard. I need to find a way to rekindle my spark and get some momentum going again (even if it is hard to do on my own). I need to do it somehow.
My depression/EUPD has been especially challenging over the past week. I have had many emotion-filled, difficult days where the thought of existing has felt too much to cope with. I am trying to learn to be more accepting of these and I have been advised to not fight the thoughts but instead just be mindful of them and try to go about distracting myself and not to be overly focused on changing how I feel but just on getting by and managing to stay safe. This is something I am really trying to do but when my bad days hit they hit hard and it is still a bit of a learning curve for me. Again, not having the support of the hospital staff and being alone most of the days make this extra challenging but I am trying as always.
I am going to be focusing over the next few weeks on trying to find some helpful distractions and social things to challenge myself to. Socialising is something I really struggle with and especially so when my mood is low but I know it is part of the solution to the problem and I need to give it a go.
I just need to try to keep myself going. It is so very hard and I keep feeling so overwhelmed by it all. I am trying to hold it all together. I need to.
So, I guess it has been a bit of a wobbly 4 weeks and I need to be careful. Why is this so hard?